I'm a lonely guy of 24 years from Birmingham, UK. I had an unhappy adolescence but now that I'm all grown up I've been finding it a lot easier via the unhealthy pursuit of isolation. It's not going to help me find anyone though and I fear that it's only a matter of time before my general state of 'meh' once more gives way to total mental collapse.
Anyway, I wanted to talk about shame. I am grossly ashamed of my past failure with women and my general failure in all things. Whenever I meet anyone new I am conscious that they must never find out the truth about my past, about me. I don't lie to anyone or anything, but it means I've had real trouble developing anything beyond shallow relationships with new people.
I drive into work and look at all these beautiful women lining the streets and think "My God, how marvelous it'd be to be with you" but always then feel terribly depressed at the thought that they'd have to meet me, know me and realise that I'm a weak, ghastly, moron.
Then again sometimes I'll talk to women online (I think the detachment of online communication enables me to not freak out) I always get so turned off by their drama. Not emotional problems mind, I can deal with emotions, but the relentless bad choices... and the never-ending desire to go out and DO things! I love women and I love listening to people's mad lives, but I am a very simple man. I cannot cope with that level of turbulence in my life and it makes me think that between my shame and my obsession for achieving zen-like peace through inertia that I will be alone till the day I die.
Which is, you know, pretty dark really.
As you've probably gathered I'm not always depressed and down. Through a combination of conditioning and cutting anxieties out of my life I've managed to be pretty stable, but I am aware that these measures block the way I want to live my life. Also I still do get down sometimes, particularly when I've missed some sleep.
Well enough babbling. Pleasure to meet you all.